Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
