Someone shit on the floor
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
