I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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