john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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