Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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