he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize