On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize