dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
