Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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