I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
