So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
