It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
