For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
