Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
