how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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