Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
