My liver just broke up with me...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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