the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
