It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize