I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
