I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize