like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
