Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
