Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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