the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
