I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
