So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
