JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
