did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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