I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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