In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
