I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
