why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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