im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I know her cup size but not her name....
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