I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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