The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
