I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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