Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
