Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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