I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
