I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Acid is not a monday night drug
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
