if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
