Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
