when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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