I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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