i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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