someone owes me an orgasm
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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