She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
