shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
