Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
