I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
