I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
