Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
