Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
