You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
