he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
